Nate Evans Jr. is a first-generation high school and college graduate. He is a highly requested inspirational speaker, mental health advocate, youth mentor, and #1 best-selling author.

Nate lives by the quote, "CHANGE WHAT WE NORMALIZE™" as his...

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Mental Health
Nate Evans Jr. is a first-generation high school and college graduate. He is a highly requested inspirational speaker, mental health advocate, youth mentor, and #1 best-selling author.

Nate lives by the quote, "CHANGE WHAT WE NORMALIZE™" as his mission is to eradicate the stigmas around mental health in underserved communities while also normalizing the conversation on mental health amongst students and teachers. This passion was inspired by his own battles with mental health issues as a child and teen. With this motivation, he has developed workshops for students and teachers based on mental wellness and resilience. With his charismatic speaking and inspiring testimony, he educates students on ways to increase their mental wellness, resilience, and sense of self-worth. Nate is also a volunteer for the Covenant House in Atlantic City, a distinguished alumnus of Atlantic Cape Community College as well as "Top 4 Under 40 award recipient" and he also has a certificate in the "Introduction to Adverse Childhood Experiences Early Trauma" and he also has a certificate in the "Introduction to Adverse Childhood Experiences Early Trauma” as well as “Mental Health First Aid.” Nate helps schools to retain and empower students while helping them to navigate successfully throughout the school year by providing inspiring keynotes and impactful workshops focused on mental wellness training for dealing with anxiety, depression, family trauma and even social media.

https://www.instagram.com/nateevansjr
https://linktr.ee/nate.evansjr

https://www.instagram.com/nikimarie_radio
https://linktr.ee/nikimarieradio

#mentalhealthawareness
#nateevansjr
#changewhatwenormalize
Transcript
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Story is your story. You know, it's about you, but

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it's not for you.

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And for me it's like, yeah, they bring me in

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to share my story. But my hope is that you

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would get the healing you need and the power that

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you need to begin to share your own story. Because

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I can only speak to so many people about my story,

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but if you come along with your story, it's like, Okay, we.

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Can help even more people.

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So I'm really just I want to encourage people, and

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that's the whole vulnerability and transparency parties. I want to

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encourage people to get the healing and health that they need,

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and let's begin to share these stories, you know, and

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really expand the mission of helping people.

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Hi, Nate, thank you so much for being here. I

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guess we will have a conversation that is very organic,

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both of us being in the mental health space. I

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always like to have these conversations that focus on the

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topic at hand, which is mental health. Tell my listener

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a little bit about you and a little bit.

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Of your story.

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First and foremost, thank you Niki for having me on

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the show.

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Just a little bit about me. I was born out

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in New Jersey.

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I live in southern New Jersey, grew up in Pleasantville

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and Atlantic City, New Jersey. Went to nine different schools

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I believe it was first grade all the way into

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high school. Was a first generation high school graduate, first

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generation college graduate. Ended up going to five different colleges

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during that time frame. And during that time was when

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I really found out that I was struggling from you know,

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mental health issues, depression, anxiety, and it even gotten too

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a period where things got really dark and I kind

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of went through this whole suicidal ideation period. I had

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lost my pop up, I lost another friend who had

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overdosed on drugs. One of my best friends went to prison,

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he's actually still there. And now I was trying to

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find my way playing basketball. I ended up losing to

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full ride scholarships all due to these mental health issues

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and me not knowing how to address them and how

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to assess the situation, not really having the outlet that

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I needed. And it's a number of events happened where

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I had to go through this journey that I believe,

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you know, it was for a greater purpose as I

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see now with my life. But then it was just challenging,

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just back to back, just all these different things happening

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and I grew up where I grew up in, and

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I guess you could say a very rough community, but

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it was normal to me, right, The things that were

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happening were normal to me.

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All of the traumas, all of the issues, they were

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all normal to me.

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And for me, I didn't realize I had, you know,

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real issues and real things going on to like the

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outside of my community until I started going to school.

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When I first went down to Memphis, Tennessee, I realized, like, oh,

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I really have some serious like depression going on. As

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I lost my pop up he didn't have past a

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third grade education, and he was going to me down

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to Memphis, Tennessee for school, ended up passing away a

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couple of weeks prior to that, and I went down

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there with all of that just on me, you know,

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all of the issues that I had from childhood being molested,

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going through different struggles with the family, bouncing around from

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school to school, home now home.

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Just seeing the violence that I was around. It was

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just a lot.

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And that was the first time I really sat with

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it all and it just hit me like a ton

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of bricks. And I ended up dropping out after the

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first semester, and like I said, I was on a

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full ride scholarship. So you know, a long story short,

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I went through my journey, bounced around from school to school.

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A close friend of mine, his name is Tony Chapman.

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He's in the Air Force. Actually it's this is my

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guy's my wedding this year. I had a period of

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time where I had forfeited all of my eligibility to

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play basketball, and I ended up trying out for some

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overseas teams in Las Vegas, and I thought everything was

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going to go out perfect, and I played excellent, you know,

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and I was like, look, this is my opportunity.

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The coach is going to be calling me once this

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is over, you know.

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And I get back home from Vegas a few days later,

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no cause, a few weeks later, no cause. About a

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month later, it's nothing, and I started getting really depressed.

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He ended up taking me to the gym, and he

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took me to the gym at a very pivotal time

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because I had hurt my ankle while I was home,

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and I had hurt my ankle so bad.

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That I had to wear a boot for a few weeks.

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And for somebody that was active, that was always running

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away from their issues, This was my outlet to just

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run and play basketball, to not address anything. And that

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was the first time I really had to just sit

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with my thoughts and it was extremely challenging. So he

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ended up taking me to the gym and we started

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working out lifting weights there while I had the boot on,

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and he introduced me to two other gentlemen that looked

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just like me, two other black men that were older

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than me, and what we would do before we actually

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worked out, we would sit in the locker room and

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we would just talk about life. We weren't talking about sex,

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we weren't talking about women, we rarely even talked about sports.

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But we were literally talking about like life, transparency, vulnerability,

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and just growth. And from there I started to see

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life really in a different way because the first time

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I felt like I had someone to talk to, I

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felt like I was able to be my true self

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and I feel judged about it, and that really began

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my healing journey. From there, went on to begin to

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share my testimony, you know, about the things that I

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went through in the lessons that I learned at my

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multiple college stops. I published a book right after that,

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my first book, Building mystle Life is your trainer, and

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from there, colleges and universities all over just started to

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book me to come in and speak to their students

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about the importance of you know, just mental health and

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understanding it and transparency and you know, vulnerability and just growth.

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So that's a little bit about myself.

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That's a lot of bit about yourself. First and foremost

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sorry to hear about your loss. There's a lot of

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things to unpass and one of the things that I

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believe you were pretty much trying to where you are

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working on that generational curse thing that we're talking about,

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which is the trauma, and a lot of us have

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experienced so many different things. It's so much to unpack

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and be vulnerable. When was that moment where you were like,

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this is not going to hold me. So, for example,

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I just finished a podcast episode called The Words We

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Tell Ourselves, and it was really me just saying I'm

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not going to allow my trauma to continue to hold

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hold me back from my greatness, like for me helping

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other people to kind of go on this journey of

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self discovery and recover. So when was that moment where

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You're like, I'm not going to allow this to hold

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me anymore.

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Yeah, it was, Man, that's such a great question.

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When I really had that moment where I was like,

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I'm not going to.

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Allow this to hold me anymore. It was after.

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I had graduated from so I graduated from a community

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college first, before I got my bachelor's degree, and you know,

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this was along that journey, and that's when I really

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made that decision. I'm like, man, I have to want

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to have to finish something that I've started, you know,

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especially because I always thought about my pop up who

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didn't get past that third grade education, my parents who

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you know, didn't graduate high school because they had me.

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And I had this moment where I was like, look,

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I have to keep going.

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I have younger brothers.

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When that's twenty seven, now another one I just turned eight,

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and I'm like I need to be an example. Like

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I know what it was like growing up in the

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household full of trauma, you know. Talking to my parents,

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I started to understand their stories and I'm like, man,

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I have to break this cycle. And something that we

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aren't doing as a family unit is getting the help

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we need mentally. You know, we're not going to therapy,

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We're not having these tough conversations even though we all

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know we need to, nobody was doing it, and I

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was just to a point where I was kind of

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fed up and I was like, this has to stop

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with me. I cannot let this go on or possibly

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bring another child into the future, you know, where they're

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going through the same cycle over and over and over again.

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And for me, that's really when it stopped. And that's

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when I started to kind of really really go on

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my healing journey and get the resources and the things

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I need. And it's still you know, I still have

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challenges today, but that was when really things beginning like

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really kick off.

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And you can see it. You can see it in

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the fruits of my labor.

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You can see it just in the quality of my life.

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But the beautiful thing is you can see it in

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my family that's around me and the healing that they're

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also getting as well. It's almost like they were waiting

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for someone to be the first one to get out

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the boat and like walk home water almost and it

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was like, all right, well, let's see who do it first.

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And it's like, all right, I'm gonna do it first.

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I don't know, I'm gonna have faith on this thing.

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I'm gonna get out of step on the water and

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we'll see what happens. You know, but somebody has to

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do it first. We all know that we need to,

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but you know, somebody has to be first. And for me,

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I just got tired of waiting around to see who

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would be first, and I just decided to be there

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for my family.

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You know, there's the thing.

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Hurt people.

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Hurt people, but transform people transform people. So when you

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say you kind of took the first step, that's that's

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what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that everyone else needs to

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see one person be vulnerable and be vocal and help someone.

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And it's it's you that's starting the trend. And now

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you you're providing that safety net for everyone else to

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just kind of jump in and say, hey, this is

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what happened to me, or you know, hey, Nate, can

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I be of service? Like how can I lend my

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voice to your platform or to whatever it is that

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you're doing, because this happened to me as well, and

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so many people will resonate with what you're doing. And

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I've been able to see that through my journey as well.

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I'm like, Wow, there's a whole network of people that

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have gone through similar, similar things. And you know, one

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of the things when we did the mental health the

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Mental Health Summit was we didn't have the same story

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because we didn't live the same life. However, we had

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similar experiences. And I'm not sure if that makes sense,

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but no two people ever have the same story but

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have similar experiences. If that makes sense.

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Yeah, no, that makes a lot. And that's that's really important.

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And I said this all the time when I'm speaking,

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you know, at different schools. I was just speaking to

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the students of Tennessee State. They had did this entire

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class off my new book, and the professor gave me

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an opportunity to talk to them last week, and I

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was just letting them know, like, you know, your story

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is your story.

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You know it's about you, but it's not for you.

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And for me, it's like, yeah, they bring me in

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to share my story, but my hope is that you would.

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Get the healing you.

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Need and the power that you need to begin to

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share your own story. Because I can only speak to

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so many people about my story, but if you come

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along with your story, it's like, Okay, we can help

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even more people. So I'm really just I want to

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encourage people, and that's the whole vulnerability and transparency parties.

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I wanted to encourage people to.

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Get the healing and health that they need, and let's

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begin to share these stories, you know, and really expand

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the mission of helping people.

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Yeah. Us, Well, before we get into your book, which

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is I Love You Letters of Love from Black Men

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to Black Boys, why do you think that conversations in

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the black community are not as normalized in our community.

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I mean, I could kind of tell you, but I

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definitely want to hear your perspective.

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Yeah, yeah, no, man.

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From my perspective, those conversations aren't normalized because they are

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the challenging conversations to have. They make you uncomfortable. And

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what I realize is just being in my own community

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when I'm out in Atlantic City and things like that,

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people do what's convenient and not what's uncomfortable, even if

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it's toxic.

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If it's toxic, but it's convenient, I'm cool with doing that.

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But if it's going to make me grow and it's uncomfortable,

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I'm have the second guess that you know, and I

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believe that that's the main challenge right there in regards

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to normalizing those conversations that we need to have is

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that we've normalized trump or we've normalized hate. We've normalized

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competing against each other and pulling each other down. But

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when it comes to normalizing love, it's something uncomfortable because

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it's so fign and for me, I'm just in the

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business of encouraging us to do what's uncomfortable. We know

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what the other way it looks like, you know, we

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know what the toxic way it looks like. It looks

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like prison, it looks like that, it looks like poverty,

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it looks like hate. It's like if we know these things,

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but we've become numb to it, it's like, all right,

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we have to change these things. We know what this result,

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I mean, what this produces, what the result is going

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to be.

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If we know that, then the opposite has to be

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this love thing. So let's try that. Let's give it

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a shot. But we've also made the negative things cool as.

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Well, and for whatever people, for whatever reason, people rather

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be cool than healed.

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So wow, the fact that you said normalizing trauma.

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That's deep. That's deep.

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It's kind of like that repetitive nature doing something over

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and over and over thinking that there's going to be

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different results. Yeah, so normalizing trauma, well, well.

279
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Yeah that's a real thing, that's why.

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And people will see me, they'll ask me what this means,

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and I always put like I always say, like, change

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what we normalize our wear it on the shirt or

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have it on the hoodie or you see it in

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the halftag or something. And it's kind of like a

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little silent movement that I've started a few years ago,

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but it speaks direcctly to that, you know, just change

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what we normalize, and that it can be anything. It

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can be with your health, it can be with your

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mental health, it can be with your relationships. But the

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things that aren't working that you've normalized, it's like, we

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really have to change those things. I know, for me,

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it was birthed out of we were having these protests

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in Atlantic City like crazy for like these shootings of children,

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Like children were dying literally off these shootings. I'm like, man,

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we've normalized going for a quick protest and then go

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on right back to our lives and not really addressing

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the situations. And it was just a disgusting period where

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I was getting really frustrated and now they were asking

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me to speak at all these walks, and I just

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kept you know, refusing it. And then at one point

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it got to you know, it got real political, and

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the political heads kind of came in and talked about

303
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the things, and it was just really weird for me,

304
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and I got frustrated and I actually just took the

305
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mic and just kind of went in on.

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Like this whole rant.

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Well I'll say it was a rant, but it was

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kind of like birthed out of out of that. It's like, man,

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we have to stop doing this and meeting on these occasions,

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and we need to really get in these communities, in

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these streets and really begin.

312
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To mentor and talk to it. That's why I took

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the position.

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In Atlantic City to be the director of the Boys

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and Girls Club because it gives me direct access to

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change the you know, change the problems.

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00:15:51.879 --> 00:16:01.440
Yeah, just the word normalizing, I mean, there's so many

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00:16:01.440 --> 00:16:02.440
different levels to.

319
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It, but.

320
00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:07.159
We can definitely take a deeper dive. But I want

321
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to go back to your book and it says I

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Love You as a call to action for black men

323
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to step up and affirm black boys. Now the position

324
00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:20.440
that you do have, which I'm glad you brought up

325
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:28.480
being in that position where you are influencing young girls

326
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and boys. Do you have those conversations about mental health?

327
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Do you feel like there's pushback with parents possibly if

328
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:40.840
you if you are having those.

329
00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:46.159
Conversations, Yeah, we we do have those conversations.

330
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They aren't, as.

331
00:16:48.559 --> 00:16:52.279
I guess, direct, only because you have to feed it

332
00:16:52.279 --> 00:16:53.919
to them like a certain kind of way you got

333
00:16:53.960 --> 00:16:56.159
to You gotta give them parables and stories and all

334
00:16:56.240 --> 00:17:00.600
types of stuff. But we do have those conversations, and

335
00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:02.799
I guess the cool thing about where I'm at is

336
00:17:02.799 --> 00:17:04.880
that I don't have to have it alone. We do have,

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you know, social workers who are there with us, which

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is awesome. We do have mess interns who can step

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in and further those conversations.

340
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But we do really touch on those things.

341
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And I have an incredible staff, you know, who's well

342
00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:19.720
versed in all of this and who.

343
00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:21.839
Just has a heart for these children.

344
00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:25.720
In Atlantic City, so we're able to really gauge them.

345
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And the biggest thing that we did was we had

346
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a town hall, like at our club, I'm about opioid addiction,

347
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and during that time we were able to really touch

348
00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:39.640
on mental health and kind of you know, some of

349
00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:41.759
the staff members, including myself, We were able to share

350
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our stories and our journeys, which humanized us to the teens.

351
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But then it also made them feel a little.

352
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More comfortable with addressing some of the issues that they

353
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were having, you know, some of the mental health struggles

354
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that they were going through that they were keeping under wraps.

355
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So yeah, it definitely has put me in that that

356
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:01.839
type of position.

357
00:18:01.880 --> 00:18:05.400
In regards to the parents, we haven't necessarily or I

358
00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:10.319
haven't necessarily had any pushback from the parents one, you know,

359
00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:12.440
sad to say, a lot of the parents just aren't

360
00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:17.039
involved whatsoever. The club is kind of like a volunteer

361
00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:19.440
lot of volunteer, well yes, volunteer kind of basis. You

362
00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:22.119
come when you want to. For the teams, we're not

363
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:23.839
you know, we're not. We can't force you to come,

364
00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:25.160
we can't force you to stay. So it's kind of

365
00:18:25.240 --> 00:18:26.839
you're coming because you love to come here and you

366
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:28.880
don't have to be around the staff. But a lot

367
00:18:28.880 --> 00:18:32.480
of the parents are, you know, disengaged. You call them,

368
00:18:32.519 --> 00:18:35.400
they don't pick up, or just they're just disconnected. They

369
00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:38.759
have no idea what's happening, which is mind blowing to me.

370
00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:40.880
But a lot of the parents are going through their

371
00:18:40.920 --> 00:18:42.680
own mental health issues. For some of the ones that

372
00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:45.880
I've had the opportunities to talk to and kind of

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00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:48.519
minister it too, it's like, look, you gotta definitely take

374
00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:51.000
care of yourself. You have to be the priority because

375
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:52.920
if you aren't, you you won't be able to really

376
00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:54.920
add value to your kid the way that you want to.

377
00:18:55.400 --> 00:18:59.079
They may not have sought the guidance. I don't know,

378
00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:03.400
and I'm Black community. We talk about the Bible a lot.

379
00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:08.119
There's a lot of religious things going on where we say,

380
00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.640
you know, pray it away. Whatever happens in this house

381
00:19:11.640 --> 00:19:14.839
stays in this house. If you have any problems, give

382
00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:18.680
it to God, which I you know, know not to anybody,

383
00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:23.160
but I've said this of a bunch of times. There's

384
00:19:23.279 --> 00:19:28.240
no way that I would be able to help anyone

385
00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:34.400
if I haven't helped myself first and the realization of

386
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:39.319
my trauma and everything that I had going on, my

387
00:19:39.400 --> 00:19:42.279
whole entire baggage. You know, sometimes people say, you know,

388
00:19:42.359 --> 00:19:45.440
you can't take the baggage with you, right, So if

389
00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:51.160
the parents are not able to resolve their issues their challenges,

390
00:19:51.880 --> 00:19:55.519
they can't really say, hey, I'm going to talk to

391
00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:57.920
you nicely or I'm going to do this because they

392
00:19:57.960 --> 00:20:02.519
haven't been a people to identify their own problems and concerns.

393
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:06.240
Like it's almost like a relationship where we talk about

394
00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:10.920
a toxic person being with another toxic person. It's just

395
00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:18.599
one big toxic explosion. So the the part is when

396
00:20:18.599 --> 00:20:25.359
you talk about the opioid addiction. Do you believe in

397
00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:30.839
one medicine? Do you believe in therapy or do you

398
00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:34.880
believe that you know when problems do happen you just

399
00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:38.319
give it to God. What is your thought process when

400
00:20:38.359 --> 00:20:41.079
it comes to religion, medication, and therapy.

401
00:20:42.319 --> 00:20:44.680
Okay, so that was a great question.

402
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:48.440
I'm going to say with the I guess if it

403
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:50.039
was a yes or no question, I'm going to say yes.

404
00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:50.839
To author first.

405
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:55.440
Yeah, because I'm huge on my relationship with God and

406
00:20:55.599 --> 00:20:58.319
I believe in Jesus, and I'm huge with my faith

407
00:20:58.359 --> 00:21:01.720
walk that's you literally the foundation of everything for me.

408
00:21:01.759 --> 00:21:04.119
But I did grow up in a time where it

409
00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:07.640
was like pray everything away, and it was like I

410
00:21:07.640 --> 00:21:09.680
didn't really understand it growing up until I got older.

411
00:21:09.720 --> 00:21:11.400
I'm like, man, we were just dodging a lot of

412
00:21:11.400 --> 00:21:14.000
problems that we probably should have addressed. That would have

413
00:21:14.039 --> 00:21:16.559
helped a lot of things, Like you know, we had

414
00:21:16.680 --> 00:21:18.039
I had those people in my family.

415
00:21:18.119 --> 00:21:20.240
Oh, that's you crazy, you know, he's just your crazy uncle.

416
00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:23.119
It's like, okay, that becomes normal and you get older

417
00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:25.640
and realize your uncle has some real issues going on

418
00:21:25.720 --> 00:21:26.799
that we could have addressed.

419
00:21:27.319 --> 00:21:29.960
But we put all this stuff on God and Jesus

420
00:21:30.039 --> 00:21:33.160
and it's like, nah, that's that's not really faith right there.

421
00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:37.119
That's not really faith. That's you avoiding the actual problem.

422
00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:40.279
That's actually you avoiding the work that needs to be done.

423
00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:43.319
That's actually you avoiding the trauma.

424
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:46.160
You know. So I'm big on the faith. I do

425
00:21:46.240 --> 00:21:48.039
believe that you you know, you take your problem to God.

426
00:21:48.039 --> 00:21:50.839
Of course, you pray on it, maybe fast, meditate on it,

427
00:21:50.920 --> 00:21:53.119
reach your word. But from there you got to take

428
00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:56.680
action steps. I believe God wants to take action steps. Medication.

429
00:21:56.759 --> 00:21:59.920
I do believe in medication. Does everybody need to take it? No,

430
00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:02.839
I don't necessarily need it. But also I don't have

431
00:22:02.920 --> 00:22:06.119
any chemical imbalances. Some people actually need it because of

432
00:22:06.799 --> 00:22:10.119
you know, things that are going on chemically with their bodies.

433
00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:11.160
So I do believe in it.

434
00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:14.000
For that aspect, I don't believe in just taking it

435
00:22:14.039 --> 00:22:16.400
for the sake of taking the antidepressants for the sake

436
00:22:16.440 --> 00:22:21.319
of just taking them without going through the proper procedures

437
00:22:21.319 --> 00:22:23.519
and things like that. But I do believe in the medicine.

438
00:22:24.359 --> 00:22:27.440
And then also in regards to therapy, I'm a big

439
00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:28.920
you know, I'm a big.

440
00:22:28.680 --> 00:22:29.920
Just advocate for therapy.

441
00:22:30.519 --> 00:22:35.200
Therapy has been huge, huge for me to have that unbiased,

442
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:39.480
just opinion that that person that you can just pour

443
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:43.960
it all out too and not feel judged or anything

444
00:22:44.039 --> 00:22:45.720
like that. But it's really having it for me, you know,

445
00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:48.839
it's talk therapy. So just going in and having my

446
00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:52.119
therapist just give it to me real and I'm able

447
00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:55.440
to release all of those layers and those burdens that

448
00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:58.119
I had that I was those skeletons I was keeping

449
00:22:58.160 --> 00:22:59.880
in the closet that I didn't feel like I could

450
00:23:00.039 --> 00:23:01.960
talk about, but I needed to get him out.

451
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:02.799
It was.

452
00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:06.319
It was huge for me because the thing what I realized,

453
00:23:06.400 --> 00:23:08.960
especially in like the Black community, is like that stuff

454
00:23:09.039 --> 00:23:12.279
has to come out some way, shape or form, that energy.

455
00:23:12.519 --> 00:23:13.319
It has to come out.

456
00:23:13.319 --> 00:23:15.039
It's either going to come out with therapy, which is

457
00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:18.319
these conversations and whatever else you need, or it's going

458
00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:22.559
to come out in a very aggressive or destructive way.

459
00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:25.680
And for me, I'm like, man, this has helped me

460
00:23:25.799 --> 00:23:28.680
so much because I prior to having it, you know,

461
00:23:28.759 --> 00:23:32.079
I was destructive. I thought I could get it out

462
00:23:32.119 --> 00:23:35.279
in other ways. I thought it was, you know, sleeping

463
00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:37.640
with multiple women. I thought it was doing certain things.

464
00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:39.839
I thought it was going on partying all the time

465
00:23:39.880 --> 00:23:42.680
and drinking and all this stuff, and it was I

466
00:23:42.720 --> 00:23:45.240
never felt any better after I did any of that stuff.

467
00:23:46.240 --> 00:23:49.839
It was like this this temporary feeling, but it wasn't real.

468
00:23:51.119 --> 00:23:51.400
You know.

469
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:53.200
It's like the what do they call it, the glacebo

470
00:23:53.240 --> 00:23:55.359
effect or they give some people to medicine, some people

471
00:23:55.359 --> 00:23:58.200
some candy. You start faking it like oh man, I

472
00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:00.799
feel great, and it's like you realized that, yeah, you

473
00:24:00.839 --> 00:24:02.160
realize that you didn't have nothing.

474
00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:02.599
You just like.

475
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:06.160
I still feel I don't feel like great no more.

476
00:24:06.200 --> 00:24:08.519
It's just like it was one of those things. And

477
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:11.359
for me, therapy is just.

478
00:24:11.400 --> 00:24:14.279
Huge, huge, huge. I'm a big believer in it.

479
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:16.680
I'm not saying that it's going to solve all your problems,

480
00:24:17.079 --> 00:24:19.160
but I think it's a great tool to have in

481
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:20.000
your tool belt.

482
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:23.599
For me, I go now, you know, just for maintenance.

483
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:24.359
It's like a car.

484
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:27.440
I don't go because I'm broken down anymore. It's like

485
00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:29.640
I go because I was once broken down. I got

486
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:33.440
myself together, you know, rededicated my life to Christ, started

487
00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:36.160
going to therapy, started writing more, started to put these

488
00:24:36.160 --> 00:24:38.680
things into practice daily that I have to do even

489
00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:41.920
to this day. And for me, I go for maintenance.

490
00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:43.839
It's like, you know, twice a month, I'm talking to

491
00:24:43.880 --> 00:24:46.480
my therapist because anything's wrong though, because I don't want

492
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:48.319
my my vehicle to break down.

493
00:24:49.319 --> 00:24:50.279
So that's how I see it.

494
00:24:51.160 --> 00:24:52.240
I love that reference.

495
00:24:52.799 --> 00:24:53.799
I love that reference.

496
00:24:56.559 --> 00:25:04.599
We are talking about avoidance, destruction, normalizing trauma. I mean,

497
00:25:04.680 --> 00:25:09.079
it's just so many different layers to different things. And

498
00:25:09.319 --> 00:25:10.960
one of the things that you touched on was the

499
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:16.759
medication part. And for people who may have heard this before,

500
00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:22.640
but in twenty thirteen, I had experienced like the highs

501
00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:28.200
and lows of a lot of different emotions, and I

502
00:25:28.200 --> 00:25:30.920
didn't know what it was. I just knew that I

503
00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:35.200
didn't feel like myself. And so I went to therapy

504
00:25:36.079 --> 00:25:41.400
and I had to see a psychiatrist who basically said, hey,

505
00:25:41.480 --> 00:25:45.319
you have postpartum depression and social anxiety. First of all,

506
00:25:45.319 --> 00:25:48.079
I was like social anxiety. I'm the most social person

507
00:25:48.119 --> 00:25:52.039
that I know, but it's because you don't. I think

508
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:54.960
sometimes a lot of us are wearing a mask and

509
00:25:55.359 --> 00:26:02.240
in different settings we might show differently. And whenever I

510
00:26:02.279 --> 00:26:05.039
had to do like big speaking engagements, I would always

511
00:26:05.079 --> 00:26:12.039
get sick, never realizing that it was part of my anxiety.

512
00:26:12.200 --> 00:26:12.920
So I was.

513
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:19.160
Prescribed medication and I was on like the lowest dosage

514
00:26:19.200 --> 00:26:22.279
of Zoloft, and then it kind of increased a little bit,

515
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:28.039
but after about a year I was off. I would

516
00:26:28.039 --> 00:26:32.880
say about four years later, I started my podcast just

517
00:26:33.079 --> 00:26:37.960
really talking and trying to help other people that may

518
00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:44.200
have experienced sexual assault, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, like just

519
00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:49.119
various different things because that was my life and I'm like, hey,

520
00:26:49.799 --> 00:26:55.720
I'm opening myself to anyone who is experiencing a similar

521
00:26:55.759 --> 00:27:01.839
situation and not necessarily you look like me, but may

522
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:06.119
feel certain things like me. And a lot of the

523
00:27:06.160 --> 00:27:10.359
topics that come up across America, as far as I know,

524
00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:14.680
is the person on the other side does not look

525
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:19.920
like you, meaning the therapist. So a lot of black

526
00:27:19.960 --> 00:27:22.960
people will not go to therapy because they want to

527
00:27:23.000 --> 00:27:28.000
see a black therapist. So what is your take on that?

528
00:27:28.359 --> 00:27:33.359
Reference to, Hey, you don't look like me, you haven't

529
00:27:33.359 --> 00:27:36.759
walked in my shoes, you don't understand my trauma, you

530
00:27:36.759 --> 00:27:41.720
don't understand my people's trauma. I mean, there's a lot,

531
00:27:42.119 --> 00:27:45.920
there's a lot to that. But what is your perspective

532
00:27:46.279 --> 00:27:51.440
on people who will not go to therapy because there's

533
00:27:51.480 --> 00:27:57.480
not enough license therapists or licensed professionals in the mental

534
00:27:57.519 --> 00:27:59.240
health field.

535
00:28:00.759 --> 00:28:04.960
Yeah, for me, it's one of those things where you

536
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:08.680
have to I had to learn to release everything that

537
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:11.799
I thought prior to going in therapy, like all of

538
00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:14.680
the stigmas and everything around that, because I needed that

539
00:28:14.759 --> 00:28:16.960
the help. I needed the help, And I'll be honest,

540
00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:18.960
it wasn't like a one size fit all either. It

541
00:28:19.000 --> 00:28:23.000
wasn't just simple. It wasn't I went in and the

542
00:28:23.039 --> 00:28:26.440
first black person I saw, we clicked and everything went perfect.

543
00:28:26.599 --> 00:28:29.599
Not I wasn't it at all. I actually, you know.

544
00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:32.039
I had to go through multiple therapists and things like

545
00:28:32.119 --> 00:28:34.440
that to get to where I'm at today, where I

546
00:28:34.480 --> 00:28:37.279
feel comfortable with the individual that I have and I

547
00:28:37.319 --> 00:28:40.039
feel like I'm getting the help that I need. But

548
00:28:40.079 --> 00:28:43.359
if I'd have gave up after the first, you know, therapist,

549
00:28:43.400 --> 00:28:44.519
not that this therapist was bad.

550
00:28:45.359 --> 00:28:46.680
I don't think I would be at the place that

551
00:28:46.680 --> 00:28:49.720
I'm at today. You know, I wouldn't have the practices

552
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:50.160
that I have.

553
00:28:50.359 --> 00:28:53.880
I wouldn't have gotten the help that I really needed.

554
00:28:54.160 --> 00:28:56.519
And also, I'll say this too, just because someone's black

555
00:28:56.559 --> 00:28:58.240
doesn't mean that they're a great therapists.

556
00:28:58.599 --> 00:28:59.759
And that was my first mistake.

557
00:29:00.079 --> 00:29:01.599
I still kind of went in with the stigma like, yoh,

558
00:29:01.599 --> 00:29:04.519
you know my struggle, you understand me, you know the situation, and.

559
00:29:04.519 --> 00:29:06.319
It's like, that's not true, that's not true.

560
00:29:06.359 --> 00:29:09.279
This individual man growing up completely different than you, have

561
00:29:09.400 --> 00:29:12.519
a different belief system, all these different things. So you

562
00:29:12.640 --> 00:29:16.440
have to be kind to yourself and realize that this

563
00:29:16.559 --> 00:29:19.720
is a process. This isn't a one size fit all

564
00:29:20.240 --> 00:29:22.119
you got to go through. Who works for me may

565
00:29:22.200 --> 00:29:24.880
not work for you, and that's just the reality of it.

566
00:29:24.920 --> 00:29:27.240
But it's a process. I want you understand it's a process.

567
00:29:27.799 --> 00:29:31.000
You'll be more patient and this journey and you'll stay

568
00:29:31.000 --> 00:29:34.759
consistent because ultimately, you're in this to get what's best

569
00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:37.640
for you. That's what you're looking for. You're not trying

570
00:29:37.680 --> 00:29:39.400
to go in there and make friends. Look, I need

571
00:29:39.519 --> 00:29:41.440
what's best for me. This is where I have to

572
00:29:41.480 --> 00:29:44.599
be selfish and get who's best for me. It's not personal.

573
00:29:44.920 --> 00:29:46.839
I think you're a great person. You're just not the

574
00:29:46.839 --> 00:29:49.319
therapist for me, and that doesn't make you a bad

575
00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:49.960
person at all.

576
00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:51.480
But I just need what's best for me.

577
00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:54.519
And I think if we're going with that type of mindset,

578
00:29:54.559 --> 00:29:56.559
we won't be so disappointed. Because I hear people all

579
00:29:56.559 --> 00:29:59.359
the time like I try it therapy. Oh how many

580
00:29:59.559 --> 00:30:00.480
I try therapist?

581
00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:01.160
I went one.

582
00:30:01.519 --> 00:30:04.079
It's like you didn't really try it, then you didn't.

583
00:30:05.240 --> 00:30:06.920
You kind of went and then work out your way

584
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:08.720
and then you left. And it's like our therapy is trash,

585
00:30:08.759 --> 00:30:12.200
and you blanket everybody under this this huge blanket of

586
00:30:12.319 --> 00:30:14.519
just therapy isn't good or it doesn't.

587
00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:15.160
Work or anything like that.

588
00:30:15.240 --> 00:30:18.440
It's like labeling, you know, all black people criminals and

589
00:30:19.079 --> 00:30:20.799
all these different things. It's like we have to stop

590
00:30:20.799 --> 00:30:22.839
with these kind of like blanket statements in this blanket

591
00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:25.640
mindset and realize that you have to go find what's

592
00:30:25.640 --> 00:30:27.359
best for you and it's going to be a process,

593
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:29.960
but don't stop until you get what's best for you.

594
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:34.200
Yeah. Well, last point, I do want to get into

595
00:30:34.240 --> 00:30:38.599
your book and let my listeners know where they can

596
00:30:38.599 --> 00:30:41.640
find your book and reach out to you. But I'm

597
00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:46.400
so happy that you said that it's really about resource.

598
00:30:47.119 --> 00:30:49.480
I think I touched on this a little bit on

599
00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:54.039
a previous episode, but I always think of the person

600
00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:59.519
that is a professional that can help me figure things out,

601
00:31:00.079 --> 00:31:02.519
not even because of the color of my skin, but

602
00:31:02.599 --> 00:31:07.880
because of what I'm going through mentally, emotionally, like deep

603
00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:11.680
down into the core just to talk. There was so

604
00:31:11.759 --> 00:31:14.759
many different things that came out when I did go

605
00:31:14.839 --> 00:31:17.799
to therapy, and I said this that my therapist saved

606
00:31:17.839 --> 00:31:21.200
my life. And I say that because she helped me

607
00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:24.880
tap into things that I had forgotten. So I was

608
00:31:24.920 --> 00:31:31.480
able to heal because just her sitting there saying, hey,

609
00:31:32.039 --> 00:31:35.880
why are you crying? Like I'm asking you questions and

610
00:31:36.039 --> 00:31:39.000
obviously this is a trigger for you, like just so

611
00:31:39.079 --> 00:31:44.519
many different layers. And when you see that there's a professional,

612
00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:47.000
not just because of the color of their skin, but

613
00:31:47.039 --> 00:31:50.400
what they can do for you, providing the resource, information

614
00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:54.839
or the opportunity to have them be the person who's

615
00:31:54.880 --> 00:31:59.519
not judging you, that you have an outlet use that

616
00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.279
opportunity to really heal yourself. Doesn't matter the color of

617
00:32:04.359 --> 00:32:08.680
their skin. But I love your book. I love you,

618
00:32:09.960 --> 00:32:13.359
letters of love from black men to black boys. Me

619
00:32:13.559 --> 00:32:17.640
being a mom of two black boys and my bib

620
00:32:17.640 --> 00:32:20.400
the girl, of course I can't forget her. But just

621
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:26.880
that concept of having a mentor or a leader for

622
00:32:27.039 --> 00:32:30.039
these black boys out here today, tell me a little

623
00:32:30.079 --> 00:32:33.720
bit about why one this book is important to you

624
00:32:34.279 --> 00:32:35.640
and why people should read it.

625
00:32:37.400 --> 00:32:37.640
Yeah.

626
00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:43.839
Absolutely, this book is important to me because I was,

627
00:32:44.079 --> 00:32:47.880
you know, a young black boy. You know, somewhere inside

628
00:32:47.920 --> 00:32:50.119
me there's still like that young black boy who was

629
00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:55.599
feeling unheard, unworthy, was seeking validation and all the wrong places,

630
00:32:55.720 --> 00:33:00.519
was insecure. And for me, this is extremely important because

631
00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:04.759
I know what happened when I went through those different situations,

632
00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:07.519
those different emotions, and they weren't addressed. I know the

633
00:33:07.559 --> 00:33:10.759
trauma that came with that. And I'm in the business

634
00:33:10.839 --> 00:33:14.880
of prevention. It's like, if I can prevent my younger

635
00:33:14.920 --> 00:33:17.680
brother from having to go through similar traumas like I

636
00:33:17.720 --> 00:33:19.519
had to go through, I'm going to do it.

637
00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:20.440
I'm going to.

638
00:33:20.440 --> 00:33:23.039
Create those resources. I can prevent my gods from having

639
00:33:23.079 --> 00:33:27.440
to feel like he's unheard or unworthy. I'm going to

640
00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:32.200
do those things. And not only that, just diving deeper

641
00:33:32.200 --> 00:33:36.240
into the book, when I did my research just to

642
00:33:36.440 --> 00:33:41.400
suicide rates amongst black boys was alarming, and a lot

643
00:33:41.480 --> 00:33:45.160
of it tied back to these issues of feeling unworthy,

644
00:33:45.319 --> 00:33:49.599
not being heard, being ignored, being bullied. And for me,

645
00:33:49.920 --> 00:33:52.039
that broke my heart and it sent me on a

646
00:33:52.079 --> 00:33:55.799
mission to do everything in my power during my lifetime

647
00:33:55.880 --> 00:33:59.960
to decrease those numbers in any way shape for im possible.

648
00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:02.440
You know, we should never feel like we.

649
00:34:02.359 --> 00:34:06.160
Don't belong here to the extent where we we take

650
00:34:06.200 --> 00:34:09.719
our own lives. You know, even though society tells us,

651
00:34:09.800 --> 00:34:12.000
you know, we're less than people, we're less than a man.

652
00:34:12.760 --> 00:34:16.079
You know, we're hated by just different people, groups and

653
00:34:16.119 --> 00:34:17.960
things like that. It's like I want to be there

654
00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:19.639
to affirm us, to let us know that we have

655
00:34:19.719 --> 00:34:23.679
a purpose, We have a true purpose here. And that's

656
00:34:23.760 --> 00:34:26.440
really the heart and soul behind the book, you know,

657
00:34:26.440 --> 00:34:28.639
as a coend, that's says love black men and boys

658
00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:29.960
as if they've never been hated.

659
00:34:30.639 --> 00:34:33.840
And I live by that, like I truly live by that.

660
00:34:35.239 --> 00:34:37.760
Especially being that in my work that I do, you know,

661
00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:40.719
at my just my career, it's like this is who

662
00:34:40.760 --> 00:34:43.639
I'm around all day long. I need to love on

663
00:34:43.679 --> 00:34:45.559
them like they've never been hated. I need to love

664
00:34:45.599 --> 00:34:48.559
on men like we've never been hated. We need that love.

665
00:34:48.599 --> 00:34:51.760
We yearned for that love, and often we don't get it.

666
00:34:52.679 --> 00:34:56.719
So I'm just, you know, on a mission to really

667
00:34:56.840 --> 00:34:58.119
you know, normalize that.

668
00:35:00.320 --> 00:35:01.880
Yeah, yeah, really normalize that.

669
00:35:04.679 --> 00:35:08.880
And I think I hyeah, remember what was the second

670
00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:09.639
part to the question?

671
00:35:09.880 --> 00:35:10.679
I apologize?

672
00:35:11.199 --> 00:35:15.480
Oh why should people pick up the book?

673
00:35:16.679 --> 00:35:16.920
Yeah?

674
00:35:17.360 --> 00:35:17.639
Should?

675
00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:20.519
We should pick up some books.

676
00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:26.400
Want to expand your your perspective on black men and

677
00:35:26.440 --> 00:35:29.199
black boys even when you read this book. For anybody

678
00:35:29.239 --> 00:35:31.840
that read this book, this book is actually for you

679
00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:35.239
as well. I talk about, you know, love and I

680
00:35:35.280 --> 00:35:37.199
broke love down into an acronym, and it's how we

681
00:35:37.199 --> 00:35:40.199
should approach anybody, but especially our black boys who are

682
00:35:40.840 --> 00:35:45.159
hyper surveyed, you know, but also ignored at the same time,

683
00:35:45.639 --> 00:35:47.639
you know. I break it down and to listen, be

684
00:35:47.800 --> 00:35:50.800
open hearted, validate, and encourage. And these are principles that

685
00:35:51.719 --> 00:35:56.039
you know, transcend all different ages and genders and people groups.

686
00:35:56.559 --> 00:35:58.199
But for black boys, I've.

687
00:35:58.000 --> 00:36:01.320
Noticed, you know, time and time again when these things

688
00:36:01.320 --> 00:36:06.480
are applied, that it works when it's consistently done right.

689
00:36:06.519 --> 00:36:09.920
And I believe that a lot of people not that

690
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:15.760
they hate or dislike black boys. But there's a level

691
00:36:15.800 --> 00:36:20.199
of empathy that's just gone where we aren't even empathizing anymore.

692
00:36:21.079 --> 00:36:23.599
You know, we'll go for a jog for my auberry,

693
00:36:23.679 --> 00:36:27.280
but they won't really remember them. Six months later, we

694
00:36:27.320 --> 00:36:28.679
won't remember what happened.

695
00:36:28.760 --> 00:36:32.119
You know. It's just it's kind of wild to me.

696
00:36:32.280 --> 00:36:34.079
And for me it's like, man, where did you turn

697
00:36:34.119 --> 00:36:37.440
your empathy button off? It's like when, when?

698
00:36:37.559 --> 00:36:39.639
When do we When do we turn that back on

699
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:43.239
and begin to really make change and the capacity that

700
00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:44.280
we can make changing.

701
00:36:45.559 --> 00:36:47.119
So yes, it's a huge.

702
00:36:48.440 --> 00:36:50.320
It's a lot of talking points in that outside of

703
00:36:50.320 --> 00:36:52.119
it speaking directly to black boys.

704
00:36:52.400 --> 00:36:54.599
And I didn't actually, I didn't even realize.

705
00:36:54.199 --> 00:36:56.719
That when I wrote it until Tennessee State picked it

706
00:36:56.800 --> 00:37:00.320
up and put it in their curriculum for their Rushman

707
00:37:00.400 --> 00:37:02.519
English class, and I was like, huh, they going recent letters.

708
00:37:02.679 --> 00:37:04.400
But then you realize, oh, yeah, I did write all

709
00:37:04.400 --> 00:37:07.480
this other stuff in the book because I was so focused.

710
00:37:07.119 --> 00:37:09.239
On empower and black boys, I didn't realize that I

711
00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:13.159
was speaking to everybody. And I said this before.

712
00:37:14.159 --> 00:37:16.920
I love the analogy of the wet tennis ball, you know,

713
00:37:17.320 --> 00:37:20.519
dipping into paint and while my target has been black

714
00:37:20.599 --> 00:37:23.239
boys and letting them know that they're love. When I

715
00:37:23.320 --> 00:37:27.320
hit my target, the paint splatter hits all around everything else.

716
00:37:27.639 --> 00:37:30.840
So it's catching people from, you know, all different places.

717
00:37:30.840 --> 00:37:33.239
The book is in the UK now, you know, some

718
00:37:33.320 --> 00:37:35.960
of the professors that are getting the book are white professors,

719
00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:39.039
and it's going to different school different demographics, and women

720
00:37:39.079 --> 00:37:41.639
are reading the book and it's just one of those

721
00:37:41.639 --> 00:37:46.039
things where we're coming together to just normalize this aspect

722
00:37:46.039 --> 00:37:49.159
of love. But specifically for me, it was black boys.

723
00:37:49.159 --> 00:37:50.800
And it's not that I'm ignoring black girls.

724
00:37:51.239 --> 00:37:53.800
Actually this is huge for black girls because I have

725
00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:55.079
a niece, you.

726
00:37:55.079 --> 00:37:57.400
Know, who's going to grow up one day and hopefully

727
00:37:57.400 --> 00:38:00.079
be married, and I wanted to be to a young

728
00:38:00.159 --> 00:38:03.480
man who is you know, solid, who has his head together,

729
00:38:03.519 --> 00:38:07.000
who is mentally stable, who is mentally you know, healed,

730
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:11.119
who is responsible, And with this book we touch on

731
00:38:11.159 --> 00:38:13.440
those things. And I believe that the foundation to all

732
00:38:13.480 --> 00:38:16.280
of that is love. And when you do that, I

733
00:38:16.320 --> 00:38:17.079
believe that you.

734
00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:19.559
Can raise solid men, especially solid Black.

735
00:38:19.360 --> 00:38:23.239
Men, who can lead a family, and ultimately it comes

736
00:38:23.320 --> 00:38:24.880
full circle back around to.

737
00:38:25.760 --> 00:38:29.400
Healing the entire family and really helping us grow as

738
00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:29.800
a unit.

739
00:38:30.280 --> 00:38:33.920
So even though it says black boys, it's a lot deeper.

740
00:38:34.440 --> 00:38:35.199
I'll say that.

741
00:38:36.920 --> 00:38:42.840
Certainly a lot deeper. I love the awareness that you

742
00:38:43.000 --> 00:38:48.079
bring when you're speaking of young girls, because a lot

743
00:38:48.079 --> 00:38:55.280
of times broken men get into relationships and they don't

744
00:38:55.320 --> 00:39:00.480
bring anything really to the table when they're broken. And

745
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:04.480
then the woman who has to play the role of

746
00:39:04.480 --> 00:39:07.880
being a strong woman now has to fix the broken man,

747
00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:13.639
but she herself could also be broken. So I mean,

748
00:39:13.760 --> 00:39:19.480
it just becomes what you're saying, before was normalizing trauma.

749
00:39:20.320 --> 00:39:25.440
Now you're both together normalizing each other's trauma, and now

750
00:39:25.480 --> 00:39:30.199
you're bringing children into the mix, and now they witnessed

751
00:39:30.239 --> 00:39:34.159
the trauma and now their trauma. Like it's such a

752
00:39:34.320 --> 00:39:41.280
generational thing where I'm glad that you're saying, Look, we're

753
00:39:41.320 --> 00:39:49.599
fighting against this idea of normalizing trauma and not breaking

754
00:39:49.679 --> 00:39:53.079
those generational curses. But here you're like, no, I'm on

755
00:39:53.119 --> 00:39:58.400
a mission to break those generational curses. Break the idea

756
00:39:58.480 --> 00:40:03.519
of having trauma be normalized. Let's normalize the conversation about

757
00:40:03.559 --> 00:40:08.400
mental health and getting people out there to say mental

758
00:40:08.440 --> 00:40:11.079
health is health and I'm going to get the help

759
00:40:11.119 --> 00:40:14.159
that I need. So we talk about these different things

760
00:40:14.159 --> 00:40:19.880
of avoidance destruction. I've said this before that I didn't

761
00:40:19.880 --> 00:40:23.840
feel like I belong here, and I am a suicide survivor,

762
00:40:24.079 --> 00:40:28.199
or I should say attempted suicide survivor, so I already

763
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:34.480
I already know what the steps are. I already know

764
00:40:34.679 --> 00:40:38.480
what that looks like to feel like I don't belong here.

765
00:40:40.119 --> 00:40:43.559
When you say we yearn for that love, everyone is

766
00:40:43.639 --> 00:40:48.119
yearning for that love. When you say listen, validate, encourage,

767
00:40:48.800 --> 00:40:52.119
and it starts with the foundation. The words that we

768
00:40:52.159 --> 00:40:56.599
speak to ourselves is the foundation or that that part

769
00:40:56.639 --> 00:41:00.159
of the words we speak to ourselves, the words is

770
00:41:00.159 --> 00:41:03.920
that we say to ourselves wanting new night. However it

771
00:41:03.960 --> 00:41:10.679
is that can be your your your your method of healing.

772
00:41:11.840 --> 00:41:14.599
So like for you and then we're going to wrap

773
00:41:14.639 --> 00:41:18.239
it up. But for you, what is your process when

774
00:41:18.320 --> 00:41:21.480
it comes to healing yourself and the words that you speak?

775
00:41:23.920 --> 00:41:28.679
Yeah, for me, I guess very practically what my process

776
00:41:28.719 --> 00:41:30.639
looks like. And I'll just give you a rundown of

777
00:41:30.679 --> 00:41:34.559
my morning because it's really the catalyst for my day.

778
00:41:35.280 --> 00:41:39.400
It's waking up early, definitely getting up before our fiance.

779
00:41:41.320 --> 00:41:42.880
That way I can kind of pray over her while

780
00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:45.159
she sleep, But it's really getting up and the first

781
00:41:45.159 --> 00:41:46.320
thing I do. And I've been doing it for a

782
00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:50.800
couple of years now and it hasn't gotten really easier.

783
00:41:50.840 --> 00:41:52.440
But as soon as I wake up, I try to

784
00:41:52.480 --> 00:41:56.679
smile and I say thank you God. It's a really

785
00:41:56.719 --> 00:41:59.559
weird thing that I do. You know, it might sound

786
00:41:59.559 --> 00:42:01.400
a little weird, but it's like it's literally the first

787
00:42:01.440 --> 00:42:04.239
thing I do. My alarm goes off and I'll actually

788
00:42:04.280 --> 00:42:06.800
still be in bed, but I'll start to move my

789
00:42:06.880 --> 00:42:09.280
face even though I'm extremely tired, and I'll say thank

790
00:42:09.320 --> 00:42:10.880
you God, and then.

791
00:42:10.760 --> 00:42:12.960
I hit my feet on the ground, you know, go through.

792
00:42:12.800 --> 00:42:15.079
The motions of brushing my teeth and things like that,

793
00:42:16.679 --> 00:42:20.000
but something huge, huge, huge, And this is why I

794
00:42:20.079 --> 00:42:22.880
always have a dog. Taking my two dogs for a

795
00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:25.199
walk first thing in the morning allows me to get

796
00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:28.440
outside and get fresh air. But it allows me to

797
00:42:28.559 --> 00:42:31.599
kind of walk and think and have my conversations with God.

798
00:42:32.800 --> 00:42:35.039
So my prayer time looks a little different, I guess

799
00:42:35.159 --> 00:42:38.920
than some people. But I'm outside and all weather. Just

800
00:42:39.039 --> 00:42:40.679
kind of walk in and let them do their thing.

801
00:42:40.840 --> 00:42:42.920
But it's like it's quiet, you know, for the most time,

802
00:42:42.960 --> 00:42:44.239
for the most part, when I wake up, it's still

803
00:42:44.280 --> 00:42:46.280
kind of dark outside, so nobody's outside.

804
00:42:46.760 --> 00:42:48.559
It's just me out there walking with the dog.

805
00:42:48.599 --> 00:42:50.920
They're doing their thing, and I'm able to just think

806
00:42:51.079 --> 00:42:53.760
and talk and walk and just kind of get it

807
00:42:53.800 --> 00:42:56.480
all at once and give my thanks and my gratitudes

808
00:42:57.400 --> 00:42:58.679
and those things, and they're from there.

809
00:42:58.920 --> 00:42:59.920
I'm back in the house.

810
00:43:01.480 --> 00:43:03.960
You know, might do a little bit of reading, but

811
00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:06.480
that's really how I get things going. And then of

812
00:43:06.519 --> 00:43:09.880
course I try to get a meditation at before my

813
00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:13.400
fiance wakes up as well. Not that she's like waking

814
00:43:13.480 --> 00:43:15.559
up and making a bunch of noise, but once she's up,

815
00:43:15.559 --> 00:43:16.840
I like to, you know, I talk to her before

816
00:43:16.880 --> 00:43:19.119
she goes to work. So I try to do at

817
00:43:19.199 --> 00:43:22.159
least ten minutes a day, sometimes fifteen. But I always

818
00:43:22.199 --> 00:43:25.280
try to make sure that I'm routinely getting my meditation

819
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:27.960
in because it allows me to slow down and be present.

820
00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:32.119
I'm a huge I'm a huge component on trying to

821
00:43:32.159 --> 00:43:36.039
live in the moment. When I got that TC yoga certified,

822
00:43:36.719 --> 00:43:39.079
one of the quotes that we used was be where

823
00:43:39.079 --> 00:43:39.719
your feet are.

824
00:43:40.639 --> 00:43:42.000
So that's something I try to live by.

825
00:43:42.559 --> 00:43:45.440
It's not easy, but in the moments, I try to

826
00:43:45.519 --> 00:43:47.519
you know, have that quote just replay in my mind,

827
00:43:47.559 --> 00:43:48.960
like be where your feet are and just be in

828
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:50.639
this moment. Don't worry about later. I don't worry about

829
00:43:50.639 --> 00:43:53.079
you gotta do. This is the moment and right now,

830
00:43:53.119 --> 00:43:55.960
this is all you have. And those are really the

831
00:43:56.119 --> 00:44:00.760
main things for me in regards to just getting things started.

832
00:44:00.840 --> 00:44:03.559
And like I said throughout that I'm speaking affirmations and

833
00:44:04.119 --> 00:44:06.679
all these things and that I have, I utilize my phone,

834
00:44:07.960 --> 00:44:10.119
the reminders that we got to use it and utilize

835
00:44:10.119 --> 00:44:13.079
the technology. I utilize my phone and I set reminders

836
00:44:13.079 --> 00:44:16.840
throughout the day that just say just really really simple affirmations,

837
00:44:16.840 --> 00:44:19.440
Like even while we were on here, affirmation popped up

838
00:44:19.519 --> 00:44:21.440
my iPad that says I am.

839
00:44:21.360 --> 00:44:22.840
Love you know.

840
00:44:23.079 --> 00:44:25.519
So I just try to keep those reminders going because

841
00:44:25.559 --> 00:44:27.440
I know that when I don't have things put into

842
00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:31.159
place my mind and wander negative thoughts can pop up

843
00:44:31.320 --> 00:44:34.920
very easily. And I'm not going to act like I'm

844
00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:38.239
so strong and so healed that I can't fall victim

845
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:41.719
to trauma or any of my old issues.

846
00:44:41.800 --> 00:44:43.079
So because I.

847
00:44:43.039 --> 00:44:45.920
Know that I'm human and that I'm weak in a

848
00:44:45.960 --> 00:44:48.360
lot of different areas, I put things into practice that

849
00:44:48.920 --> 00:44:52.119
I guess to the public eye makes me look stronger

850
00:44:52.119 --> 00:44:54.199
than I am.

851
00:44:54.360 --> 00:44:59.880
Let me tell you, for some of us, who knows

852
00:45:00.199 --> 00:45:05.639
continuing process healing is not something that happens overnight. It

853
00:45:05.719 --> 00:45:11.559
is very strategic on a day to day basis, those reminders.

854
00:45:11.760 --> 00:45:16.400
I actually have an app called I am and it's

855
00:45:17.360 --> 00:45:20.840
kind of basically similar to what you're saying, like I

856
00:45:20.880 --> 00:45:25.320
am great, I am grateful, I am strong, I am

857
00:45:25.480 --> 00:45:29.199
human because a lot of us don't feel like you know,

858
00:45:29.599 --> 00:45:33.239
sometimes we as whoa I will say, women of color,

859
00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:39.199
we have this this kind of like a badge that

860
00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:43.039
says I am a strong woman and nothing can knock

861
00:45:43.079 --> 00:45:47.559
me down. And you know, sometimes things happen in life

862
00:45:47.800 --> 00:45:50.679
and we're just human beings at the end of the

863
00:45:50.760 --> 00:45:56.480
day making life work. But those like positive affirmations and

864
00:45:56.519 --> 00:45:59.920
the little things that you tell yourself, those are big things.

865
00:46:00.760 --> 00:46:05.239
Some people don't have the tools to do that. So

866
00:46:05.320 --> 00:46:08.360
I think if we allow ourselves to uh, I guess,

867
00:46:08.360 --> 00:46:11.559
give ourselves grace and be like, look, it's the little

868
00:46:11.559 --> 00:46:15.280
things that you do that are a big contribution to

869
00:46:15.320 --> 00:46:20.480
your life. But it's like a never ending thing. It's

870
00:46:20.519 --> 00:46:26.320
never ending to self care boundaries. Just the things that

871
00:46:26.360 --> 00:46:29.760
you feed yourself, the things that you feed into your body,

872
00:46:29.800 --> 00:46:34.519
your mind, your soul, like, oh, all of that, all

873
00:46:34.559 --> 00:46:37.480
of that, But I do, I do want to wrap

874
00:46:37.519 --> 00:46:39.440
it up, and I just want to give you the

875
00:46:39.480 --> 00:46:41.960
opportunity to tell everyone where they can find your book

876
00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:43.239
and how they can reach out to you.

877
00:46:45.880 --> 00:46:46.119
Yeah.

878
00:46:46.159 --> 00:46:50.039
Absolutely, absolutely, First and foremost, I guess before we close,

879
00:46:50.079 --> 00:46:52.679
I just want to say thank you for inviting me

880
00:46:52.719 --> 00:46:56.239
on as a guest. I love having like great conversations,

881
00:46:57.360 --> 00:47:00.880
and this conversation has been rich and it's the definitely.

882
00:47:02.079 --> 00:47:03.559
Boosting my energy for the day.

883
00:47:03.880 --> 00:47:07.519
I have a long day, and this conversation has been excellent,

884
00:47:07.519 --> 00:47:09.639
So I'm glad that we had it. In regards to

885
00:47:09.679 --> 00:47:12.639
the book, you can find it on my website. It's

886
00:47:12.840 --> 00:47:17.000
www dot I Love You books dot com.

887
00:47:17.039 --> 00:47:18.960
Also I have the ebook. It's on Amazon.

888
00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:20.639
You can just look up the book I Love You

889
00:47:21.320 --> 00:47:24.840
Letters of Love from Black Men to Black Boys. And

890
00:47:25.239 --> 00:47:29.679
also announcement, my audiobook is in the works right now

891
00:47:29.719 --> 00:47:33.239
with all of the contributors. We're in a process of

892
00:47:33.239 --> 00:47:35.880
actually recording that now and it's going to be dope.

893
00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:38.000
I listen to a lot of books. I listen to

894
00:47:38.039 --> 00:47:40.719
podcasts all the time, and I think it's gonna be

895
00:47:40.760 --> 00:47:42.760
powerful to have something that you can just wake up

896
00:47:42.840 --> 00:47:45.760
and play or play one of those letters for your son,

897
00:47:45.920 --> 00:47:48.880
for your nephew, or for yourself. I think it's gonna

898
00:47:48.880 --> 00:47:51.880
be powerful. So I'm excited about that. And you can

899
00:47:51.920 --> 00:47:59.360
find me on pretty much all social media Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn,

900
00:47:59.679 --> 00:48:02.840
club House it's all at Nate Evans Junior. I don't

901
00:48:02.880 --> 00:48:04.400
know how I was able to get all of those,

902
00:48:04.440 --> 00:48:07.960
but it's Nate Evans Junior on pretty much everything.

903
00:48:08.440 --> 00:48:11.000
Thank you, Nate, Thank you for talking to me. I

904
00:48:11.039 --> 00:48:13.559
know it's a lot of stuff going on, and I

905
00:48:13.559 --> 00:48:18.920
feel like with the Clubhouse app, we all have been

906
00:48:19.079 --> 00:48:23.360
just talking, talking, talking, So I'm glad that we were

907
00:48:23.400 --> 00:48:26.000
able to bring value to each other, into this space

908
00:48:27.119 --> 00:48:30.280
and to this platform. So I appreciate you for taking

909
00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:34.559
the time. And also I feel like when people align

910
00:48:34.719 --> 00:48:40.199
with each other's message, beliefs and just the process of healing,

911
00:48:41.000 --> 00:48:44.840
we connect in such a way that people will be like, wow,

912
00:48:45.199 --> 00:48:46.599
do they really know each other?

913
00:48:47.679 --> 00:48:50.639
Yeah, yeah, it feels like that I've known you for years.

914
00:48:50.679 --> 00:48:54.400
It's like right, Like no, we just met like two

915
00:48:54.480 --> 00:48:55.320
seconds ago.

916
00:48:55.719 --> 00:48:57.239
Like literally, that's for real.

917
00:48:58.360 --> 00:49:00.760
But we have a story to tell tell a story

918
00:49:00.840 --> 00:49:07.519
that again we haven't led the same exact path, but

919
00:49:07.639 --> 00:49:11.039
we have similar experiences and we still have one goal

920
00:49:11.079 --> 00:49:15.400
in common, which is to normalize conversations around mental health

921
00:49:15.679 --> 00:49:19.880
and really teach our young children and also our adults

922
00:49:20.400 --> 00:49:24.840
that we have to break this curse, this generational curse,

923
00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:30.239
this generational trauma that keeps the black community down or

924
00:49:30.360 --> 00:49:33.320
keep people down as a whole. So we have to

925
00:49:33.440 --> 00:49:36.679
just be mindful of the words we tell ourselves, the

926
00:49:36.719 --> 00:49:38.840
words we tell our kids, and the words we put

927
00:49:38.880 --> 00:49:41.400
out into the world. So thank you again having me